Stages of an Employee

Neophyte – Comes to work on time. Leaves a little early. Takes long
lunches off site. Majority of life is still outside of work. Has no
real responsibility. Happy to do any task, like cleaning crumbs out
of your keyboard. Cannot believe s/he is getting paid so much to talk
to college buddies on the phone and surf the Internet all day. Life
is great!

Entry Level – Arrives and leaves on time. Feels important when boss
asks him/her to work late and does so without hesitation. Brags to
friends, “I chose the typeface for the IBM presentation”. Considers a
$25 bonus as indicator of undying company loyalty. Eats at desk on
occasion. Life is pretty good.

Worker – Leaves late occasionally. Never calls in sick just to take
the day off anymore. Is entirely responsible for meaningless
projects, like changing “Systems Group” to “Technology Group” in all
company documentation. Still comes into work with hangovers. Personal
life is unknowingly vanishing. Is excited by a tiny raise and small
promotion. Life is good.

Employee – Arrives early on occasion. Leaves late fairly often. Eats
lunch at desk every day. Only has 1 or 2 remaining friends outside of
work. Is actually responsible for real work that, if screwed up, will
not damage the company significantly. Still has time to use company
perks like hockey tickets. Life is OK.

Level 2 – Arrives early. Usually the last one to leave. Life is
consumed by reports containing meaningless blocks of numbers. Derives
all self-esteem from company and superiors’ approbation. Spends
entire paycheck on objects that elevate status and image. Is totally
immersed in work and loves it. Can do nothing but collapse in front
of the TV to watch 90210 the few hours s/he is home. Life is

Level 3 – Same as Level 2 except their work actually affects the
success of the firm. Doesn’t enjoy work anymore even though the
salary is obscene and it keeps them away from their spouse all day.
Considers quitting, but has large mortgage payment and doesn’t want to
give up the wide screen TV. Doesn’t know what to do on a day off.
Life is hell.

Manager – Tells other people what to do. Loves the power. Has to
continually prove worthiness to managers up the food chain. Always
works late in order to do the real work that can’t be done during the
day. Has 5 times as many business outfits as friends. Home life
starts to break down. Life is stressful.

Middle Manager – Spends all day describing things with buzzwords.
Considers key employees, pens, and contents of recycling bin as
resources. Still works late, but only for a conference or client.
Sometimes in winter, sees the sun after it rises or before it sets,
unlike Level 2s, 3s, and managers. Has no friends or home life. Life
is OK.

Upper Manager – Likes looking at reports and talking at meetings.
Usually leaves work on time, except when leaving early to play golf
with other Upper Managers. Hardly ever needs to brown nose anyone
anymore. No longer owns jeans. Cannot remember ever taking public
transportation. Life is good.

Executive – Despite having vast riches and grown children, chooses to
come to work because it’s fun. Says things like, “We need more market
penetration in Liberia” and over the next few months, it happens. If
it doesn’t, the executive must do even more work by saying, “Why don’t
we have market penetration in Liberia?” Magically, it happens and
executive is called a visionary. Life is great!