Dino is a road vigilante

I had to take this from Dino’s blog. It’s just too good to pass up:

Vigilance Finally Pays Off!
I’m a road vigilante. Plain and simple. Nothing gets my blood boiling more than discourteous drivers! What happens to people when they get behind the wheel and in traffic!? Do people think that driving is “survival of the fittest”? I usually ruin at least three asshole’s days every 24 hours. Today it paid off with interest!

Everybody knows the drill… a five-lane road becomes a two-lane road at an intersection. This is a typical road condition leaving Sterling Heights and entering Troy on my way to work. There’s always the asshole that doesn’t feel like waiting like the rest of us, and tries to take advantage of someone that’s still sleeping in the morning. I’ll usually give someone the false sense of supremacy and gun it right at the moment of truth: when they’re going to speed up and cut me off. It sure pisses off a great deal of assholes every morning. Some people need coffee. I just need an asshole. And usually when they realize that I’m not the sucker they thought, they’ll try to sneak in behind me… which is usually when I immediately slow down for no apparent reason. That’s a coffee with two sugars for me. Some altruist behind me will usually let the asshole merge in front of him.

Today, I actually had a double espresso with three sugars, and it occured on the way home! I rarely get the treat of vigilance in the afternoon, but today, I was blessed. Seventeen Mile Road goes from five lane to two lanes, going east, right past Van Dyke. Usually, the two lanes to the right end up being strictly right turn lanes, but once in a while, there’s always the discourteous asshole that doesn’t feel like waiting in line like the rest of us at the light. The traffic situation at the 17 Mile Road & Van Dyke intersection took a turn for the worst when Sterling Heights decided to build a fire station right at that corner. Now, at 6:00 PM, there’s usually a ten minute wait, just to move a mile.

I was fortunate enough to be at the right place at the right time. The light turned green, and there were at least three people in front of me. They all waited the typical 2.3 seconds AFTER the light turned green before their feet moved from the brake to the gas pedal. Every time I cross the intersection, I keep an eye in my rearview and passenger mirror to see if there are going to be any assholes that feel like being discourteous biaaatches. Today was my lucky day! It was an east-side punk driving in his east-side 1989 Camero. He had it gunned, and in his feeble mind, he probably envisioned that he was actually going to sneak in front of me before the lane actually ended. Little did he know that I was on to him, and that I was a licensed road vigilante that felt extremely vigilant.

His gamble didn’t work, and it not only shattered his pride, but also damaged his east-side ride. Right after he slammed on his brakes to avoid going up the curb, he thought that he was going to sneak in behind me. Unfortunately for him, I also decided to abruptly stop, which caused him panic, then fury, then a tire up the curb, followed by a scraping front APC east-side fascia. The next thing I knew, there was an east-side vegan riding my ass, cursing, cussing, and doing so many things with his hands. I just gave him the international wave, and proceeded home.

Uh oh… as soon as I looked up, I saw a Sterling Heights cop pulling out of the Farmer Jack parking lot to my left. I felt I was busted, since I really was the one driving offensively. Who needs offensive, vigilant drivers on the road? Passive sheep probably would lower insurance premiums. The cop was obviously pulling out for what just happened. Did he see everything? He must have, at his angle. Bummer.

Oh boy! That cop was my hero! He got behind the east-side white trash and flipped on his lights. The Camero was busted, for just being a plain discourteous asshole!

Awesome! It was my most gratifying traffic encounter for 2003!